Our American Uncle

OUR AMERICAN UNCLE

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SCENE I

(BERT IS SITTING IN AN ARMCHAIR FACING THE AUDIENCE. HE IS WEARING TROUSERS WITH BRACES AND A VEST; HE IS NOT A PRETTY SIGHT! IN HIS RIGHT HAND HE IS HOLDING THE REMOTE CONTROL, IN HIS LEFT A HALF-DRUNK BOTTLE OF BEER.)

BERT: That's no good. (CLICK) Opera! (HE PUTS ON AN OPERATIC VOICE) Tralala! Ugh! Horrible! (CLICK) What's this? What's it say in the Radio Times? (HE PUTS DOWN THE BEER BOTTLE AND PICKS UP THE TV MAGAZINE) Tuesday. Tuesday. Oh, here we are. 'Out of Africa' - a romantic film starring Meryll Streep. Oh, God, not her! She's got a face like a horse.(CLICK) Ah, what about this? A bit of sport. Basketball! (HE DROPS THE RADIO TIMES AND TAKES A LONG DRINK OF BEER; HE BELCHES LOUDLY) That's better. (LOOKS AT THE TV SCREEN) Why do they have all these black fellows playing this game? Aren't there any decent white men in America? Give me football any day. That's a game for real men! Mind you, they've even got black men playing football these days, and you can't watch cricket without you see a load of bloody Indians and Pakistanis. (HE YAWNS LOUDLY; AGAIN; IT IS NOT A PRETTY SIGHT! HE SLIDES DOWN IN THE ARMCHAIR TO MAKE HIMSELF MORE COMFORTABLE - HE CLEARLY HAS TROUBLE KEEPING HIS EYES OPEN. HE YAWNS AGAIN.) Can't stand these American games, actually. Bloody Yanks. Think they rule the world. Well, they don't. We do. British is best, isn't it? That's what I always say. British is best. Yes. Best. Yes. (DURING THE LAST PART OF HIS MONOLOGUE BERT HAS BEEN GETTING SLEEPIER AND SLEEPIER. WITH A LAST EFFORT HE PLACES THE RADIO TIMES OVER HIS FACE AND FALLS ASLEEP, SNORING RATHER LOUDLY; THIS MOVES THE PAGES OF THE RADIO TIMES UP AND DOWN)

(PAUSE WHILE THE AUDIENCE HAVE A CHANCE TO OBSERVE A REAL MAN SLEEPING)

(ENTER MRS. CRIPPS, THE 'DAILY'. SHE DUSTS AROUND A LITTLE, BUT NOT TOO MUCH. SHE SWEEPS SOME DUST UNDER THE RUG. BERT GIVES A VERY LOUD SNORE WHICH MAKES MRS. CRIPPS JUMP)

MRS CRIPPS: Oh, lord, Mr Winterbottom, You didn't half give me a jump! Oh, dear, me heart, me heart! They'll be carrying me off one day, they will! (TAKES A CLOSE LOOK AT BERT) Oh, look, he's asleep! Ain't he sweet? My Wally always looks his best when he's asleep. (LOOKS CLOSELY AT BERT AGAIN) In fact, Mr Winterbottom does, too! (SHE SHAKES HER HEAD, SMILING) Men, eh? (SHE DOES A VERY LITTLE WORK, THEN LOOKS AROUND BEFORE SMUGGLING A PACKET OF CIGARETTES OUT OF HER APRON POCKET). What I say to meself is: Betty Cripps, you deserve a cigarette after all that work. Work me fingers to the bone, I do. To the bone! (SHE STRIKES A MATCH AND IS ABOUT TO LIGHT UP WHEN:) (ENTER CECILY. SHE IS, INCREDIBLY, BERT'S WIFE. WHEN THE AUDIENCE GET TO KNOW THIS FACT THEY WILL SURELY ASK THEMSELVES HOW THESE TWO GOT TOGETHER. CECILY IS QUITE ATTRACTIVE, NICELY DRESSED AND SOUNDS EDUCATED. SHE STOPS AT THE SIGHT OF MRS CRIPPS WITH A CIGARETTE IN HER HAND)

CECILY: (SIGHING) Mrs Cripps, I thought I asked you not to smoke while you are working.

MRS CRIPPS: (INSULTED) I wasn't smoking, Mrs Winterbottom.

CECILY: No, but you were going to. (SNIFFING) You just lit a match.

MRS CRIPPS: (ON THE DEFENSIVE) Well, I'm allowed a rest, ain't I? After all this 'ere work. (REGARDS HER HANDS) Work me fingers to the bone, I do. I deserve a rest, that's what I say.

CECILY: (EXTREMELY PATIENT) You only arrived ten minutes ago, Mrs Cripps.

MRS CRIPPS: This is me tea break. I'm allowed three tea breaks a day.

The union says that.

CECILY: Oh? I didn't know there was a union for cleaning ladies.

MRS CRIPPS: (BEATEN) I'll just go and do the kitchen, then.

CECILY: That's a very good idea. Could you peel some potatoes, too?

MRS CRIPPS: No, I couldn't. I'm 'ere for cleaning, I'm not a bleedin' cook! (SHE WALKS OUT WITH HER NOSE IN THE AIR)

CECILY: (LOOKS AFTER HER, SHAKES HER HEAD AND SIGHS) She'll have to go, I'm afraid. (SEES BERT. WALKS OVER TO HIM) Just look at him. Just look at him! Even when he's asleep he doesn't let go of the zapper. One of these days he'll probably take it to bed with him and try to switch me off. Not that he switches me on any more. I mean, he comes home from work, takes his shirt off and watches television all evening. (PUZZLED) Why does he have to take his shirt off to watch TV? There may be a few men in the world who look good without a shirt. But not Bert. Oh, no, not Bert. And then, he snores. I don't think I would mind it if I woke up to find myself next to a snoring Richard Gere, but a snoring Bert Winterbottom, that's quite a different story. (LOUD) Bert, did you look to see if we got any post today? (BERT STIRS A LITTLE, BUT DREAMS ON). Look at him. I bet he's dreaming of television right now. (BERT SMILES IN HIS SLEEP) Well, I suppose I'll have to see if there's any post. (SHE LEAVES THE ROOM AND RETURNS WITH AN AIRMAIL LETTER). That's funny, we don't know anyone in the USA, do we?. (SHE TURNS THE LETTER OVER) I wonder who it's from? I'd better open it and see. (SHE SEEMS A LITTLE NERVOUS. SHE OPENS THE LETTER SLOWLY AND BEGINS TO READ: SHE SEEMS VERY SURPRISED. SHE RUSHES OVER TO BERT AND SHAKES HIM VIOLENTLY. HE BEGINS TO WAKE UP)

BERT: Leave me alone. I'm tired.

CECILY: Listen to me, Bert Winterbottom!

(BERT SETTLES DOWN TO SLEEP AGAIN. CECILY GRABS HIM BY THE BRACES AND ALMOST LIFTS HIM OUT OF THE CHAIR)

CECILY: WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME!

(BERT STARES AT HER AND SHE AT HIM FOR A MOMENT BEFORE SHE DROPS HIM.

(She hands him the letter)

CECILY: Here, read this. Out loud.

BERT: (WITH A GROWING SENSE OF WONDERMENT) Dear Albert. (TO HIS WIFE)

Is that me, Cess?

CECILY: Yes, who else? And for goodness' sake stop calling me 'Cess'.

BERT: Sorry, Cess. Dear Albert, It will sure be a big surprise for you to hear from your Uncle Homer Wishbone II in the good old US of A. (TO CECILY) What's all this about, Cess? (BACK TO THE LETTER) Well, Albert my boy, I'm coming over to the Old Country on November 5th to visit you and your sweet wife and cute kids. (TO CECILY) He can't mean us, surely? He must have got the wrong family. Our children aren't cute, are they?

(CECILY SHAKES HER HEAD)

BERT: I hope to be staying with you for two or three weeks and moseying around Good Old London Town. (TO CECILY) What does he mean, Cess? Mosey?

CECILY: I think he means to have a look around. And don't call me Cess.

BERT: Can't even speak Queen's English, these Yanks. (BACK TO THE LETTER) Don't come to the airport, I'll take a cab. (TO CECILY) A cab?

CECILY: A taxi, dear.

BERT: Oh. (READS) I'll take a cab. Your loving Uncle Homer Wishbone II. (TO CECILY) I don't understand it, Cess. Who is this Homer Wishbone II? I didn't even know there was a Homer Wishbone I. And what's he got to do with us?

CECILY: With you. He would appear to be your uncle, Bert.

BERT: I didn't know I had an uncle in America.

CECILY: Well, you must have. He just wrote you a letter.

BERT: When does he say he's arriving?

CECILY: On November 5th. (THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN HORROR) Oh, my God, Bert. That's next week. We've only got a week!

BERT: (CAREFULLY) What for, Cess?

CECILY: (TRYING TO BE PATIENT) Bert, why do you think your uncle from the USA is coming to pay us a visit?

BERT: Well, he wants to mosey around Good old........

CECILY: Of course he does, Bert. But try to think a little further.

Look at that name - Homer Wishbone II. What does it make you think of?

BERT: Well, I don't know. It's a bloody funny name, isn't it?

CECILY: (SARCASTICALLY) It may be a bloody funny name, but it sounds like a bloody rich name to me. Ordinary people who do ordinary jobs have names like Bert Winterbottom, not Homer Wishbone, and certainly not the Second!

BERT: So what?

CECILY: So, perhaps he's a film producer. So, perhaps he pays Mel Gibson's salary. So, perhaps he loves England and the English. So, perhaps he's very old. (SHE PAUSES; THEN SAYS DRAMATICALLY AND SLOWLY) SO PERHAPS HE WANTS TO LEAVE YOU ALL HIS MONEY, BERT!

BERT: Jesus!

CECILY: This is no time for religion, Bert, it's time for action.

BERT: (SUSPICIOUSLY) Every time you say that, Cess, something terrible happens. What are you thinking of this time?

CECILY: If your rich Uncle Homer is going to visit us, we have got to impress him. Things have got to change round here. We have to paint the house, get some new furniture, hang some new pictures on the wall...

BERT: ....get some new children.

CECILY: (HORRIFIED) Oh, no, I'd forgotten the children!

BERT: I try to do that all the time.

CECILY: (VERY DEFINITE) The children will have to learn how to behave.

BERT: Oh, yes? We've had them for years and they haven't learnt how to behave yet!

CECILY: And you will have to stop watching television and start dressing correctly.

BERT: But Cess.....

CECILY: AND STOP CALLING ME CESS! We.......could employ a butler.

BERT: Are you crazy?

CECILY: And a maid......

BERT: You are crazy!

CECILY: There's that agency in town - What's it called?

Rent-a-Domestic. We could get a butler and a maid from there for a few

days. It'll be expensive, but worth it. (SERIOUSLY) Bert, we've got

one week. If we play our cards right we could be rich at the end of

it. (DREAMILY) Uncle Homer is going to love us, just love us.

(A DOOR SLAMS. PETE, CECILY'S AND BERT'S RATHER HORRIBLE TEENAGE SON WALKS IN. LIKE HIS FATHER; HE IS NOT A PRETTY SIGHT.)

PETE: Hi.

BERT: Well, at least he got that right.

PETE: What did I get right?

BERT: You said 'Hi'.

PETE: Mum always moans when I say 'Hi'. That's why I say it. Why is it right all of a sudden?

CECILY: Peter, I'd give you this letter to peruse if I thought they'd taught you to read at school. As it is, I'll tell you what's in it.

BERT: Yeah, listen to this, Pete!

CECILY: Peter.

BERT: What? Oh, yes,.... Peter.

(PETE LOOKS FROM ONE TO THE OTHER. HE IS CLEARLY WORRIED ABOUT THEIR MENTAL HEALTH)

PETE: Look, is someone going to tell me what's going on?

CECILY: Yes, Peter dear...

PETE: (STUNNED) Dear?

CECILY: (IGNORING HIM) ...your father's American uncle is coming to visit us. Next week.

PETE: He's not having my room.

CECILY: Of course he is, Peter. You can't expect him to sleep in...in the bunker!

PETE: So what's special about this guy?

CECILY: He's very old....

PETE: (NOT IMPRESSED) Oh, great!

CECILY: And very rich! And he's a film producer.

PETE: (VERY IMPRESSED) Oh, great!

BERT: But, Cess, we don't know......

CECILY: Albert, kindly try to get used to calling me Cecily. It is my name, you know. Now, Peter, things are going to change around here this week. Your great-uncle Homer Wishbone II (PETE REACTS WITH HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER).....be serious, please... your great-uncle Homer Wishbone II, having no children of his own, intends to leave your father his not inconsiderable fortune......

BERT: (TRYING HARD) But Cecily.......

CECILY: Don't interrupt me, Albert. .......and of course we shall all do our best to make his stay with us a pleasant one.......

PETE: ..... so that he really leaves us all his money.

CECILY: Precisely, my dear.

(WE HEAR A LOUD 'YOOHOO' FROM OUTSIDE. CYNTHIA BREEZES IN. SHE IS CLEARLY THE ACTRESS TYPE)

CYNTHIA: Greetings to you, my dear parents. And greetings, brother mine.

PETE: Oh, Gawd!

BERT: Hello, Cyn.

CECILY: Cyn. Cess. What are you thinking of, Albert?

CYNTHIA: Albert! Oh, I like it. Albert. Mmmmm.

CECILY: Don't be silly, Cynthia. We've got a problem and you're not being helpful.

CYNTHIA: (POUTING) How can I be helpful? I've only just arrived. (SHE FLOATS ROUND THE ROOM) Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

PETE: Oh, shut up, Cyn- (HE LOOKS AT HIS MOTHER) -thia.

CYNTHIA: Cynthia! Oh, I like it. Cynthia. Mmmmm.

CECILY: Cynthia dear...

CYNTHIA: (PUZZLED) Dear?

CECILY: Your father's uncle who lives in America, you know, the one who's a millionaire, a film producer and dreadfully old.... He produced Richard Gere's last film.....

BERT: (MAKING A LAST EFFORT) But Cecily......

CECILY: ... He's coming to visit us next week because he wants to leave your father all his money.

CYNTHIA: A film producer. Oh, I can see my name in lights already,

Mother dear! Cynthia Winterbottom and Johnny Depp star in.....

PETE: Not with a name like 'Winterbottom' you won't!

BERT: Hey, why not? What's the matter with Winterbottom?

PETE: Dad, do you know what the kids at school call me? They call me Cold.......

CECILY: That's enough, Peter. We don't want to hear it, thank you.

BERT: Well, what?

CYNTHIA: Cold Arse, Dad. They call me that, too. You're right, Peterkin, my sweet, it's not really comme il faut for a film star.

CECILY: Oh, be quiet everybody! (AFTER CONSIDERATION) How about Winterbothom?

BERT: You what?

CECILY: Winterbothom. You only need to change the spelling a bit and to pronounce it a little differently - and hey presto! We've got a new name.

BERT: Nothing wrong with the old one, is there? (LAUGHS) They called me Cold Arse at school, too. Things don't really change, do they? (HE FREEZES IN MID-LAUGH BECAUSE CECILY LOOKS SO ANGRY)

CYNTHIA: Then we'll just add 'de'....

CECILY: What are you talking about, Cynthia?

CYNTHIA: About our new name, Mother darling. We'll just add 'de' then we're 'de Winterbothom' and I'm Cynthia de Winterbothom.

PETE: They won't put that in lights, sis. Cyn Cold Arse is much shorter. (CYNTHIA CHASES HIM ROUND THE ROOM. IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS ROSA, DRESSED IN BLACK, WALKS IN. SHE IS CLEARLY HORRIFIED.)

ROSA: What's all this noise about?

CECILY: Be quiet, you two! Let me tell Rosa what's going on.

(THERE IS SILENCE. CYNTHIA AND PETER ARE INTERESTED TO KNOW WHAT THEIR MOTHER IS GOING TO SAY. CECILY SPEAKS QUICKLY AND BREATHLESSLY)

CECILY: Rosa, your rich, old, American film-producer great uncle is coming here to leave your father all his money.

ROSA: Rich?

CECILY: Very.

ROSA: Stinking capitalist swine. He's coming here to die, is he?

CECILY: Well, I hope not.

ROSA: (SLOWLY, WITH EMPHASIS) You said he's old and he's coming here to leave Dad all his money.

CECILY: Yes.

ROSA: Well, he's not having my room. I don't want an ancient, toothless capitalist pig dying in my bed. Put him in the bunker.

CECILY: Rosa, that's not very Christian.

ROSA: (SIGHING LOUDLY) Mum, how often do I have to tell you that religion is the opium of the people?

CECILY: Never again, dear, I hope. Now, no more arguments. We haven't got time for arguments. What we need now is..... action!

ROSA: (CAREFULLY) What sort of action, Mum? Every time you mention the word 'action', something terrible happens.

BERT: Your Mum wants to hire a butler and a maid, dear.....

ROSA: A butler and a maid? Mum, you're a bigger capitalist than I thought. Ugh!

CECILY: Oh, dear, I don't know where you get your communist ideas from, really I don't.

ROSA: You shouldn't have called me Rosa, should you?

CYNTHIA: Rosa?

ROSA: Rosa Luxemburg, idiot!

(CYNTHIA AND THE OTHERS LOOK PUZZLED)

ROSA: Oh, forget it.

(WE HEAR A VOICE OFF)

GRAN: When's me dinner ready then? I'm hungry. Cess. Cess! What about me dinner?

(THEY ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER.)

CECILY: (HORRIFIED AND REPROACHFUL) Albert. We forgot your mother!

(LIGHTS DOWN AND THEN OUT. BREAK OF TEN SECONDS, THEN LIGHTS ON AGAIN FOR....)

SCENE II

(SAME AS BEFORE, BUT THIS TIME WITH GRAN. SHE IS RATHER CONFUSED)

GRAN: I'm ever so hungry, Cess. All you gave me for me afternoon tea was one mingy little biscuit....

CECILY: I gave you one little packet of biscuits, mother-in-law. (SHE THINKS FOR A MOMENT) Too many biscuits spoil your teeth.

GRAN: Why? I've got false teeth. How can biscuits spoil me false teeth? There's nothing the matter with them - Look! (STARTS TO REMOVE HER FALSE TEETH, TO THE GREAT AMUSEMENT OF PETE AND HIS FATHER)

CECILY: (HORRIFIED) Mother-in-law! That is enough!

GRAN: Well, what about me dinner, then? (ALMOST CRYING) I'm a poor old woman. I sit in me room all day and no one comes to talk to me. (TO BERT) Not even you, and you're my son. At least, that's what yer Dad always said. I'm not so sure meself. And what about me grandchildren? No time for an old lady, of course. Too busy going to biscos and smoking shot.

(PAUSE WHILE THEY TRY TO WORK THAT ONE OUT)

PETE: Gran, they're called discos - and you either smoke pot or shit!

Not shot!

GRAN: Don't use rude words like that to me, young man! You're not too old to be put across my knee and smacked really hard on the bottom, you know.

PETE: You'll have to catch me first, Gran.

CYNTHIA: Come on, Gran dear, let's go in the kitchen and see what we can find to eat.

GRAN: You're the only one who bothers with her old Gran, aren't you, love?

PETE: She's only after your money, Gran!

GRAN: No, she isn't, dear, because I haven't got any. Come on, Cynthia. We could do ourselves a milkshake. Which would you like, chocolate or strawberry? (THEY BOTH WANDER OFF IN THE DIRECTION OF THE KITCHEN).

(PAUSE)

CECILY: (HAVING COME TO A DECISION) She'll have to go, Albert.

BERT: What????

CECILY: (ENUNCIATING CLEARLY) Your mother. She will have to go.

ROSA: You said that about the dog, Mum. Then you took him to the vet and he never came back.

CECILY: Rosa, kindly stop being foolish. I don't intend to take your grandmother to the vet ........

PETE: She'd probably bite him!

CECILY: Peter! What I mean is, your grandmother is not....shall we say.....compost menthol.

ROSA: (SIGHING) It's called compos mentis, Mum.

BERT: What do you mean, my mother isn't......what did you call it?

PETE: Mum's trying to say Gran's crazy, Dad. Round the bend. Up the creek without a paddle. Got bats in the belfry. Mad as a hatter.....

CECILY: That is enough, Peter. I think your father has got the message.

BERT: You saying my dear old Mum is mad?

CECILY: Yes, I am, Bert. And don't argue with me. We can't have her around when Uncle Homer is here. She would make a bad impression on him. She'll have to go.

ROSA: Where, Mum?

CECILY: (MAKING A SUDDEN DECISION) To the Haven of Rest!

ROSA: (HORRIFIED) Mum, you aren't thinking of murdering Gran, are you?

CECILY: (SNAPPILY) Of course not. Whatever makes you say that, Rosa?

ROSA: Haven of Rest. It sounds..... like a funeral parlour.

CECILY: Well, it isn't. It's an Old People's Home.

ROSA: You can't just send Gran off to an Old People's Home. She hasn't done anything.

CECILY: It's a home, dear, not a prison. And it would only be for a couple of weeks, until Uncle Homer has gone.........

PETE: ..... after leaving us all his money..........

CECILY: I'm going to telephone the matron immediately to see if they've got a room free. (SHE MARCHES OUT)

ROSA: Poor Gran, it isn't fair. Why don't you say something, Dad?

BERT: To your mother? It's more than my life's worth!

PETER: Don't worry, Rosie. It'll do Gran good. She can meet some new

people, have a good time, perhaps they've got a 'bisco' there for the over-eighties.......she could smoke shot........

ROSA: Pete, you really are disgusting, I....

BERT: Oh, go away, you two! There's a quiz on TV I want to watch. Go on, off you go!

(ROSA AND PETE LEAVE. BERT SIGHS, SETTLES DOWN AGAIN AND SWITCHES THE TV ON)

(THE LIGHTS DIM FOR TEN SECONDS AND COME UP AGAIN FOR.....)

Scene 3

(THE ROOM IS EMPTY. ENTER CYNTHIA AND GRAN. CYNTHIA IS CARRYING GRAN'S SUITCASE)

GRAN: I don't want to go, Cyn. Why is she sending me away?

CYNTHIA: It's only for a few days, Gran.

GRAN: But why? What did I do wrong?

CYNTHIA: (WITH EMPHASIS) It's only for a few days, Gran.

GRAN: Yes, I bet she said that to the dog. Then she took him to the vet and.......

CYNTHIA: No one's taking you to the vet, Gran. You're going to the Haven of Rest.

GRAN: (WIDE AWAKE AND SLIGHTLY HYSTERICAL) See what I mean? Haven of Rest! That's a funeral parlour, isn't it?! They only take you there when you're dead, Cyn.

CYNTHIA: (VERY PATIENTLY) It's an Old People's Home, Gran dear.

GRAN: Old People's Home. Why should I go to an Old People's Home? Am I old?

CYNTHIA: (HONESTLY) Yes, Gran.

GRAN: (BEATEN) I suppose you're right, dear. What time are they fetching me?

CYNTHIA: (LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW) I think they're here now, Gran.

GRAN: You see, nobody comes to say good-bye to me. (ALMOST IN TEARS)

I'm a poor old woman. Nobody loves me.

CYNTHIA: I love you, Gran.

GRAN: Yes, you do, Cynthia. Thank you, dear. (PAUSE) You're not after me money, are you?

CYNTHIA: (PATIENTLY) No, Gran.

GRAN: That's good, dear, because I haven't got any. Did you pack me toothbrush?

CYNTHIA: Yes, Gran.

GRAN: That's a good girl.

CYNTHIA: Don't worry, Gran. Look on it as a holiday. Two or three weeks without Pete and Rosie and Dad and Mum.....

GRAN: (AFTER A SHORT PAUSE) You're beginning to make it sound very attractive, dear. Let's go. (PAUSE) Did you pack me toothbrush?

CYNTHIA: (SIGHING) Yes, Gran.

GRAN: Got to look after me teeth, you know. (CYNTHIA PICKS UP HER SUITCASE. GRAN EMBRACES HER, ALMOST IN TEARS AGAIN). I shall be all alone there, I don't know anyone, I.....

CYNTHIA: I'll come to visit you every day, Gran, love.

GRAN: (LOOKS AT HER) Will you, dear? (GIVES HER A KISS ON THE CHEEK) You're such a sweet girl. (PAUSE) I hope you're not after me money, Cynthia, because......

CYNTHIA: ......... because you haven't got any. I know Gran. (THEY WALK OUT TOGETHER, CYNTHIA CARRYING THE SUITCASE. A CAR DOOR SHUTS AND A CAR DRIVES AWAY.)

(THE LIGHT DIMS AND COMES UP AGAIN AFTER TEN SECONDS FOR...)

Scene 4

(CECILY IS ON STAGE, TRYING TO MAKE THE ROOM LOOK PRETTY - A THROW ON THE SOFA, SOME FLOWERS ON A SMALL TABLE, AN ELEGANT MAGAZINE....THERE IS A SHOUT FROM OFF STAGE WHICH NEARLY MAKES HER DROP THE MAGAZINE)

VOICE: Coooooooeeeeee! It's meeee-heeee!

CECILY: Oh, no! I don't believe it! Today of all days!

VOICE: Can I come in then?

CECILY: (THROUGH HER TEETH) No! Stay outside in the snow and die!

(SWEETLY) Of course, Joan. The door's open!

JOAN: I know it is. I'm here already. (GIGGLES) What did you say about snow?

CECILY: Oh, nothing. What did you want, Joan?

JOAN: I just saw Gran getting into a taxi. Wondered if she was all right.

CECILY: She's fine, Joan. Don't you worry.

JOAN: Where was she going, then?

CECILY: Away. (EMBARRASSED PAUSE)

JOAN: Where to, Cecily?

CECILY: Oh, for goodness' sake, Joan! She has just gone into a Home for a few days......

JOAN: A Home? Why?

CECILY: (SIGHING LOUDLY) I suppose I'd better tell you, although it'll mean everyone in town will know it by tomorrow. (SHORT PAUSE) Bert's American uncle is coming to stay (SHE CAN'T RESIST) He's frightfully rich and he's leaving Bert all his money!

JOAN: (SQUEAKS WITH EXCITEMENT) I don't believe it! (OH, YES, SHE DOES!) Aren't you lucky!

CECILY: (AIRILY) He's a film producer.

JOAN: Oh! Oh! Lucky you! (PAUSE) Do you think he's have a look at my Tracy?

CECILY: Why on earth should he want to look at your Tracy?

JOAN: (HUFFED) Well, she's very attractive, is Tracy. She nearly won that Junior Miss competition last year.

CECILY: (SARCASTICALLY) Nearly!

JOAN: (IN CONFIDENCE) They say the girl who won......went to bed with one of the judges!

CECILY: Joan, she was thirteen years old!

JOAN: You wouldn't believe what thirteen-year-old girls get up to these days, Cecily!

(ENTER PETER)

PETER: Hi, Joan! How's Tracy?

JOAN: Still waiting for you to ask her to marry you, Pete! (LOUD LAUGHTER)

PETER: Mum, some guy in a funny suit wants to see you.

CECILY: Ah, that will be our new butler. (JOAN AND PETER LOOK AT EACH OTHER) Sorry, Joan, I haven't got a moment, I'm so busy.

JOAN: Perhaps I can......

CECILY: No, you can't. (TO PETER) Show Joan out, Peter, please.

JOAN: Oh, well, bye then, Cecily. See you. (TO HERSELF) American uncle! Film producer! New butler! Oh, isn't it exciting!

(THE STAGE IS EMPTY FOR A MOMENT: THEN, ENTER FREDERICK, THE BUTLER)

CECILY: Come in, James.

FREDERICK: Please Madam, may I ask you not to call me James?

CECILY: No? I thought all butlers were called James. (PAUSE) What do you want me to call you, then?

FREDERICK: Frederick, Madam, if you please.

CECILY: (LAUGHS) Frederick? Who on earth would want to be called Frederick?

FREDERICK: I would, Madam.

CECILY: But why?.......

FREDERICK: Possibly because it is my name, Madam.

CECILY: (EMBARRASSED) Oh, how terribly silly of me...

(FREDERICK BOWS CONDESCENDINGLY)

(PAUSE)

CECILY: Yes, well....... (SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY)

FREDERICK: (HELPFULLY) Madam, if you would allow me to be so free - The agency said that you are expecting one of your husband's uncles from the United States of America and you need a butler to......

CECILY: (QUICKLY) .....impress him! (PAUSE) I mean, I mean ........ to help with all the extra......

FREDERICK: ....... work, Madam.

CECILY: Yes, precisely.

(EMBARRASSED PAUSE)

FREDERICK: Perhaps Madam could tell me......

CECILY: ........what to do? Oh, yes, of course, I.........

(EMBARRASSED SILENCE)

FREDERICK: (HELPFULLY) We will begin with breakfast, Madam. Your husband's uncle will ring the bell.......

CECILY: Bell?

FREDERICK: Madam does, of course, have a bell?

CECILY: (BRIGHTLY) Of course. Somewhere. I think so.

FREDERICK: Sir - your husband's uncle - will ring for me. I shall ask him what he requires for breakfast and the maid will bring it to him...

CECILY: The maid.......

FREDERICK: Madam does, of course, have a maid.

CECILY: (ALMOST HYSTERICALLY) Yes!...... No!...... I mean, not yet!

The - agency is sending a maid round today.

FREDERICK: Let me express the sincere hope that she is more successful at her tasks than the last maid it was my misfortune to experience.

CECILY: Oh?

FREDERICK: (CONFIDENTIALLY, A LITTLE EMBARRASSED) She was found in Sir's bed one morning.....(DRAMATIC PAUSE: FREDERICK SHAKES HIS HEAD SADLY)....... by Sir's wife!

CECILY: (HORRIFIED) Oh, dear. (SHE CONSIDERS) My husband's uncle is very old. I don't suppose he......

FREDERICK: Does Sir have a wife?

CECILY: Oh, no! That is to say.......er......

FREDERICK: (CONFIDENTIALLY) In my experience, Madam, the unmarried ones are the worst!

CECILY: (HORRIFIED) No!

FREDERICK: Yes! However, perhaps Sir's extreme age will prevent him from showing too much interest in the maid......But then, of course, Sir, is an American............

CECILY: (HOPEFULLY) Perhaps she'll be ugly.

FREDERICK: In my experience, Madam, maids are seldom ugly. If you want an ugly maid, you have to ask specifically for the agency to send you one. (PAUSE) If they can find one.

CECILY: Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

FREDERICK: Madam, I beg you not to distress yourself on that account. I shall consider it my duty to keep the strictest check on the young lady's morals. Now, perhaps Madam will be good enough to show me the wine cellar?

CECILY: (ALMOST HYSTERICALLY) The wine cellar? Oh, dear.

FREDERICK: Is Madam trying to tell me she does not have a wine cellar?

CECILY: Well, no. (BRIGHTENING UP) We've got a bunker, though!

(IT IS FREDERICK'S TURN TO BE SURPRISED)

FREDERICK: Madam possesses..... a bunker?

CECILY: (MYSTERIOUSLY AND PROUDLY) An atomic bunker, James. (FREDERICK LOOKS AT HER) .....er, Frederick. My husband insisted on having one put in when we built the house. He's convinced we're going to have a nuclear war any day now and wants us - as a family - to survive it. (SHE SMILES OVER-BRIGHTLY AND LAUGHS A LITTLE NERVOUSLY)

FREDERICK: If Madam will allow me to say so, Mr de Winterbothom is a far-thinking man. Very far-thinking indeed. (PAUSE) I assume Madam then keeps her wine store in the ...er.......bunker?

CECILY: (DEPRESSED) We haven't got a wine store. (BRIGHTENING) But we've got two crates of beer....

FREDERICK: Beer? Madam has no wine?

CECILY: No. No wine.

FREDERICK: If Madam will permit me, I shall give the maid - as soon as she arrives, that is - a list of items to buy....... specifically, a few bottles of good wine. No household is complete without a good wine.

CECILY: (EXTREMELY GRATEFUL) Of course, Jame... er ....Fredrick. Thank you, thank you so much! (PAUSE) Well, come with me now, I'll show you the rest of the house and we can talk about your - er - duties.

FREDERICK: (RESPECTFULLY FOLLOWING HER OUT) Very well, Madam.

(LIGHTS OUT, TEN SECONDS LATER ON AGAIN)

SCENE 5

(PETE ENTERS WITH THE MAID. SHE IS DRESSED LIKE A FRENCH MAID IN A FARCE. HER SKIRT IS EXTREMELY SHORT.)

PETE: (CAN'T TAKE HIS EYES OFF HER) Hi.

MAID: (LOOKS AT HER NAILS, NOT AT HIM. BORED) Hi.

(PAUSE)

PETE: Wait here. I'll get my Mum.

MAID: (BORED) Do what yer want.

(PAUSE)

PETE: Or my Dad.

MAID: (BORED) Do what yer want.

(PAUSE)

PETE: Would you like to sit down, Miss...er......

MAID: (RUDELY) No.

(PAUSE)

PETE: I'll......er......get my Mum, then.

MAID: (SHE STILL HASN'T LOOKED AT HIM. THE ROOM, HER NAILS ETC. ARE MUCH MORE INTERESTING) You've said that already.

PETE: Yes, well........

(MAID TURNS HER BACK ON PETE, DROPPING HER HANDBAG. SHE SLOWLY BENDS DOWN TO PICK IT UP. PETE IS SPEECHLESS, THEN A WHISPERED 'WOW!' ESCAPES HIS LIPS. THE MAID TURNS ROUND TO LOOK AT HIM)

MAID: (IRRITATED) What yer lookin' at?

PETE: Oh, nothing, I....

MAID: Yes, you was. You was looking at me......

PETE: No, I wasn't. I ......

MAID: (COMING RIGHT UP TO HIM, LOOKING HIM FULL IN THE FACE)

Well, go and get yer Mum, then, little boy!

(PETE FLEES. MAID LAUGHS QUIETLY AND RATHER NASTILY TO HERSELF. WALKS ROUND THE ROOM, PICKING THINGS UP AS IF SHE'S LOOKING FOR SOMETHING)

MAID: What a dump! What a bloody dump! I don't know what the agency's thinking of. People don't have no class these days.

(ENTER FREDERICK. HE AND THE MAID LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN HORROR)

MAID AND FREDERICK: (IN CHORUS) Oh, no, not you again!

(PAUSE)

MAID: They didn't tell me at the agency you'd be here, Freddy.

FREDERICK: They didn't tell me you'd be here, either. I specifically said I never wanted to work with you again.

MAID: Work? You call that work what you do, Freddy old dear? I'm the

one who does all the work. (SHE SIGHS)

FREDERICK: Yes, and most of it consists of aerobics in Sir's bed early in the morning.

MAID: You think I enjoy that, Freddy?

FREDERICK: I'm not really interested in whether you enjoy it or not, Sharon. And I'll thank you to call me Frederick.

MAID: Only in front of them! (SMILING NASTILY) To me, you're still old Freddy.

FREDERICK: I'm warning you, Sharon - no funny business this time, or I'll tell Madam immediately.

SHARON: Don't be too hasty, Freddy. I could tell Madam a few interesting details about you, too.

(FREDERICK EXITS, WHILE TRYING TO PRESERVE HIS DIGNITY)

SHARON: Bloody old prig. 'No funny business this time, Sharon!' (NASTILY) Oh, just you watch it, Freddy, you old bastard, or I'll get you fired!

(ENTER BERT)

SHARON: (ALL SMILES AND FRENCH ACCENT) Oh, good morning, Sir. Would you be Mr van Winterbothom by any chance?

BERT: (OPEN-MOUTHED AT FIRST, RECOVERS HIMSELF QUICKLY) No, I'm Ber....Oh, yeah. I'm...er...Mr van Winterbothom. And you would be.....?

SHARON: Nanette, Monsieur. I am (SEXILY) your new maid.

BERT: (OVERWHELMED) Nanette.

SHARON: (CONCERNED) Monsieur eez not feeling well? 'e eez very pale.

BERT: No.....er......Monsieur is not feeling well. It must be a fever.

SHARON: Please to lie down on zee sofa, Monsieur. It iz zis 'ot weazer zat iz bozzering you.

BERT: Yeah. Must be. Hot weather. Yeah. (HE LIES DOWN; MANAGING TO DO SO WITHOUT TAKING HIS EYES OFF 'NANETTE'. SHE WIGGLES OVER TO HIM AND LAYS HER HAND ON HIS FOREHEAD)

SHARON: Monsieur eez very 'ot, very 'ot indeed....

(BERT GRINS STUPIDLY. AT THIS MOMENT CECILY AND FREDERICK ENTER)

CECILY: What is going on here?

BERT: Oh, hello, dear. I felt faint all of a sudden and Nanette here....

FREDERICK: (AMUSED) Nanette?

BERT: .......made me lie down on the sofa for a rest, and ......

SHARON: Monsieur eez very 'ot, Madame.

CECILY: (LOOKING AT HIM THEN AT HER AND BACK AGAIN) Oh, Monsieur eez very 'ot, eez 'e? I'll give Monsieur " 'ot!", I will.

SHARON: (DISTRESSED) But, please, Madame eezn't angry wiz me?

CECILY: (NOT SURE) No, I don't think so, Nanette.

FREDERICK: (SHAKING HIS HEAD) Nanette!

(SHARON THROWS HIM AN ANGRY LOOK)

CECILY: Look here, Jame...er...Frederick, this isn't the girl you were telling me about, is it?

(SHARON STARES AT FREDERICK. HE STARES BACK: THEN....)

FREDERICK: (BEATEN) No, Madam. This is not she.

CECILY: Oh, good. You had me worried for a moment, there. (TO BERT) Albert, stop being silly, you can't possibly be 'ot - I mean hot - it's the middle of winter. (TO SHARON) And you be careful, my girl. Don't let me catch you doing anything.......

(SUDDENLY THERE IS A BIG NOISE OUTSIDE OF CARS DRAWING UP, ETC. ALL THREE CHILDREN COME RUSHING IN)

PETE: Mum, Dad, he's here........

CECILY: Who's here, Peter?

ROSA: Your old capitalist pig, Mum.

CECILY: What do you mean.....?

CYNTHIA: Uncle Homer Wishbone...

PETE: .....the Second.

CECILY: (HORRIFIED) He can't be! We weren't expecting him.......

BERT: (WEAKLY) Till tomorrow.........

(THE DOOR OPENS AND IN WALKS AN AMAZING VISION OF AN AGEING BUT NOT TOO ANCIENT HIPPY, ACCOMPANIED BY A CURVACEOUS BLONDE. THE HIPPY CAN ONLY BE HOMER WISHBONE II)

HOMER: Hi! (HE LOOKS ROUND) Peace! Harmony! Love!

(EVERYBODY STANDS THERE OPEN-MOUTHED AS - BLACKOUT)

Scene 6

(UNCLE HOMER IS STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM AS BEFORE. THE WINTERBOTTOMS ARE GROUPED ROUND HIM, BUT AT A DISTANCE. THEY STILL HAVE DIFFICULTY ACCEPTING WHAT THEY SEE)

HOMER: (POUNCING ON ALBERT, SHAKES HIS HAND VIOLENTLY) Why, you must be Albert. (GRABBING CECILY AND GIVING HER A PASSIONATE KISS WHICH TOTALLY SHOCKS HER) And you........you must be Cecily. (HE HOLDS HIS ARMS OUT) And you are the three children of these wonderful people. Come to your uncle, my dears!

(THE CHILDREN STAY WHERE THEY ARE)

HOMER: Come to your Uncle Homer, kids!

(THE CHILDREN STAY WHERE THEY ARE)

HOMER: Mustn't force children, I know. I read all the books. (HE STICKS HIS FINGERS IN HIS MOUTH AND WHISTLES LOUDLY. IN COMES EMMELINE, LOOKING EXTREMELY SEXY) Hey, Emmeline honey, I want you to meet my English family. This is Albert. (EMMELINE WANDERS OVER TO HIM AND SHAKES HIS HAND, LOOKING DEEP INTO HIS EYES. ALBERT IS OVERWHELMED) And this is dear Cecily. Ain't she just beautiful? (CECILY TAKES A STEP BACK TO GET AWAY FROM EMMELINE - UNSUCCESSFULLY) I shall call you both - Bert 'n Cess. Gee, don't that sound cute? I say, Bert 'n Cess! (BERT GIGGLES, BUT STOPS SHORT WHEN HE SEES CECILY'S FACE). And these - (HOMER SPREADS HIS ARMS WIDE) - these are Bert and Cess's kids. Ain't they purty, Emmeline, honey?

EMMELINE: (WANDERS OVER, EMBRACES HIM AND LOOKS DEEP INTO HIS EYES;

SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO NOTICE THE CHILDREN) Sure are, Homey, honey!

CECILY: (DISGUSTED) Homey!

PETE: (CAN'T TAKE HIS EYES OF EMMELINE) Wow!

NANETTE: I've heard that somewhere before!

(PETE LOOKS AT HER AND LOOKS AWAY AGAIN VERY QUICKLY)

HOMER: Well, you guys look sorta surprised. Like, you didn't reckon with us, or somethin'.

CECILY: (RECOVERING HERSELF) But of course, Uncle Homer. It's just - we thought your were arriving tomorrow, and.........

HOMER: Yeah, sure. We decided to fly over earlier. It's much easier when you've got your own private jet, ain't it Emmeline, honey?

EMMELINE: (LOOKING DEEP IN HIS EYES) Sure is, Homey.

CECILY: Well, we must get your luggage in. Frederick and Nanette....would you please?..........

HOMER: Frederick! (HE STARES ADMIRINGLY) Well, Emmeline, just you looka here. These people have got a real live butler.

EMMELINE: Sure have, Homey. And a real French maid, too.

HOMER: A real French maid, eh? Ain't that great, Emmeline?

EMMELINE: Sure is, Homey honey.

CECILY: (OBVIOUSLY SUFFERING) Please, could you........

FREDERICK: Naturally, Madam. Nanette, please accompany me to the....

(ENTER ONE VERY ANGRY TAXI DRIVER)

TAXI DRIVER: 'ey, where's me money? I can't sit around in me taxi all day, yer know! I got a job to do. I lose a lot o' custom, sitting around like this. Lose custom, lose money, that's 'ow it is.

HOMER: Emmeline, honey. I can't understand this woman. What's she saying?

TAXI-DRIVER: (TO ALBERT) These Yanks is all the same, yer know. Keep yer waitin' for hours, they do. (CONFIDENTIALLY) You wouldn't believe 'ow often I's been sittin' outside some club till three in the morning, and then some yank didn't even give me a tip. (HE SNIFFS LOUDLY) Not even a tip!

HOMER: Bert, my boy, I think this good woman needs paying.

ALBERT: Well, that's right Uncle Homer, I........

HOMER: It sure is embarrassing for me, Bert, but I haven't got a cent of English money yet. We didn't stop at a bank, you see. Could you perhaps..........

BERT: (REALIZING THE PROBLEM AND GETTING HIS WALLET OUT OF HIS POCKET) Of course, Uncle Homer. Don't worry. (CECILY CASTS HIM A TERRIBLE LOOK, WHICH HE BRAVELY OVERLOOKS) (TO THE TAXI-DRIVER) Now, how much do I owe you?

TAXI-DRIVER: You don't owe me nuffin', guv, but if you really want to pay, well......that'll be twenty-three pounds. (PAUSE) That's without the tip, you understand.

BERT: (HORRIFIED) Twenty-three pounds? Without the tip?

TAXI-DRIVER: Well, guv, I 'as been standing outside this 'ere 'ouse for ten minutes.....

CECILY: Oh, give her the money, Albert. (STRICTLY) But don't give her too big a tip.

(ALBERT HANDS HER THE MONEY. THE TAXI-DRIVER CHECKS IT AND OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T FIND THE TIP ENOUGH. HOWEVER....)

TAXI-DRIVER: Thanks, guv. (CONFIDENTIALLY) My old man's mean, too. (POINTING TO CECILY) Just like 'er. (LOUDLY TO HOMER) All yer luggage is on the pavement, guv. All those people you brought wiv' yer is lookin' after it. (SHE LEAVES)

CECILY: (WEAKLY) All those people.........?

HOMER: Oh, sure, the Homerettes. We forgot the Homerettes, Emmeline!

EMMELINE: Oh, no! The poor darling Homerettes!

CECILY: And who.........are the Homerettes?

HOMER: Why, they're our little choir, Cess, honey. We take them everywhere with us, don't we Emmeline?

EMMELINE: Sure do, Homey honey! Place just ain't home without the Homerettes!

HOMER: (STICKS HIS FINGERS IN HIS MOUTH AND WHISTLES AGAIN. THE HOMERETTES APPEAR, ALL WEARING THE SAME UNIFORM) Bert 'n Cess, here they are.........the Homerettes!

(THE HOMERETTES STAND IN A ROW AND BEGIN TO SING. AFTER A FEW MOMENTS HOMER CLAPS HIS HANDS)

HOMER: That's enough, girls. Why don't you just mosey on out and help Frederick and Nanette with the luggage?

(THE HOMERETTES MOSEY OUT. THEY ALL RETURN IN A LONG PROCESSIONS CARRYING MANY PIECES OF LUGGAGE ACROSS THE STAGE.)

ROSA: Uncle Homer, why do you travel around with a choir?

HOMER: Why, didn't I write that in my letter? How silly of me. Didn't I tell you I have my own church?

ROSA: (DISGUSTED) Your own.....what?

HOMER: Church, baby. You know, the place you go to have conversations with God Almighty.

ROSA: You can't have your own church.

HOMER: I'm American, baby. Americans get to have their own churches.

PETER: Hey, that's great. If I came to America could I have a church, too?

HOMER: Sure could, son, just got to preach good and get yourself a neat little choir. Don't need to sing so good, but they gotta look good!

ROSA:(SARCASTICALLY) And what do you get from having your own church?

EMMELINE: You get to be nearer God, baby.

ROSA: And you probably get to earn a lot of money, too.

HOMER: Well, I wouldn't want to deny that, now. Come on, Emmeline, let's see where the Homerettes have got to. (EXIT)

(CECILY HAS BEEN GETTING INCREASINGLY ANNOYED. NOW SHE EXPLODES)

CECILY: Albert! Do something! He's your uncle!

BERT: (IS POSSIBLY BEGINNING TO ENJOY THE SITUATION. SMILING:) How do you know? He might not be my uncle.

CECILY: What do you mean, Albert? Of course he's your uncle. He's American isn't he?

BERT: Well, yes.....

CECILY: And he's old, isn't he?

BERT: Old?

CECILY: Well, not exactly young any more. A sort of.....ageing hippie. And he's rich, isn't he? All right, he isn't a film producer, but at least he owns his own church. Think of that!

BERT: I had to pay for the taxi.....

CECILY: That doesn't mean anything.

BERT: Why not?

CECILY: Well, it just doesn't. (MENACINGLY) Albert, you're being difficult.

BERT: Sorry, dear.

CECILY: He's your uncle. You must do something about him. We can't have those ........Homerettes staying here. We've got no room. And then there's that dreadful woman.....Emmeline.

BERT: OK, Cecily, I'll do my best.

(LIGHTS DOWN AND THEN UP AGAIN FOR:)

Scene 7

(HOMER IS SITTING ON BERT'S SOFA. BERT IS WANDERING ROUND, LOOKING

VERY UNCOMFORTABLE)

BERT: You see what I mean, Uncle Homer?

HOMER: Why, sure, Bert. Don't you worry. I know what women are like, bless them! (HE AND BERT LAUGH A LITTLE) Listen, Bert, the Homerettes don't mind where they sleep, just as long as they can sleep. (PAUSE) We could put them in the garage.

BERT: Oh, no, Uncle Homer. I've got a better idea. We could put them in the bunker.

HOMER: The where?

BERT: We've got a bunker under the house. (UNCLE HOMER LOOKS PUZZLED.

ALBERT LOOKS A BIT EMBARRASSED) In case of an atomic war, you know. The Homerettes could sleep in there. (LONG, EMBARRASED PAUSE) And then there's Emmeline......

HOMER: Why, don't you fret yourself over Emmeline, my boy. She's my private nurse.

BERT: (HOW CAN HE BELIEVE THIS?) Your nurse?

HOMER: Sure. In case I get taken ill. She does a great line in heart massage. (LAUGHS)

BERT: Heart massage, eh? Can you lend her to me if I get ill?

HOMER: Why, sure, Bert. She'd have you right in two ticks. Now, you just tell that sweet little wife of yours that everything's OK.

BERT: Fine, Uncle Homer, fine. (CALLING LOUDLY) Cecily! Cecily!

(THE LIGHTS GO DOWN AND COME UP AGAIN FOR:)

Scene 8

(UNCLE HOMER AND EMMELINE ARE ON STAGE. THEY DO NOT APPEAR TO BE PATIENT AND NURSE. EMMELINE SEEMS WORRIED)

EMMELINE: Homey, honey, I don't like it. Thought you said Bert and Cess would welcome us with open arms.

HOMER: Well, sweetheart, they were only reckoning with old Uncle Homer, you know - not with the Homerettes and you, too.

EMMELINE: Well, I'd just like to know what's wrong with the Homerettes. And with me, too!

HOMER: Nothing wrong with any of you, sweetheart, just that Cess.....

EMMELINE: Yeah, it's always Cess, ain't it?

HOMER: Guess so, honey. Bert's a good guy.

EMMELINE: Well, you're gonna have to do something about it, Homey.

HOMER: (SLOWLY) Guess so, honey. Guess I got an idea right now.

EMMELINE: (SHOCKED) I know you when you lookin' that way, Homer. You thinkin' of somethin' bad. With Cess. (LIKE A PLAYFUL KITTEN) Now don't! You know how jealous your little Emmeline can be.

HOMER: Don't bother your pretty little head, Em. When I've finished with Cess, she's be eating out of our hands! Now, listen, honey, I need your help....... HE WHISPERS IN HER EAR; SHE SMILES)

(LIGHTS DOWN AND UP AGAIN FOR:)

Scene 9

(ENTER GRAN WITH EDWINA, A VERY ANGRY-LOOKING OLD LADY. BEHIND THEM CYNTHIA. SHE IS TRYING TO CALM EDWINA DOWN)

EDWINA: Right. Here we are. Now, girl, I want to speak to your Mrs Winterbottom. At once.

GRAN: Yes, at once.

EDWINA: (MYSTERIOUSLY) There are wrongs to be put right, things that have been done to be undone, evil is as evil does, that's what I say. (SHE SITS DOWN ON THE SOFA, LOOKING VERY PLEASED WITH HERSELF) Come on, sit down, you. (BOTH GRAN AND CYNTHIA TRY TO SIT DOWN. EDWINA ROLLS HER EYES HEAVENWARDS) Oh, for goodness' sake, I mean you May, not this girl! (GRAN SITS DOWN. CYNTHIA GETS UP AND STANDS AROUND, NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO. EDWINA REGARDS HER FOR A MOMENT OR TWO IN SILENCE. THEN:) I suppose you get paid for just standing around.

CYNTHIA: Eh?

EDWINA: (TURNS TO GRAN) I tell you, May, domestics these days aren't what they used to be when I was a girl.

CYNTHIA: Eh?

EDWINA: (STRICTLY) When I was your age, I was punished if I said 'eh'.

(VERY PLEASED WITH HERSELF) Hah!

GRAN: (TIMIDLY) Edwina, dear, she isn't a maid. (EDWINA LOOKS AT HER AS IF SHE CAN'T BELEIVE WHAT SHE HEARS) She's my granddaughter.

EDWINA: (A BIT TAKEN ABACK) Oh, I see. Well, introduce yourself, girl.

CYNTHIA: My name is Cynthia de Winterbothom.

GRAN: What you talking about, Cyn? Your name is Cyn Winterbottom.

CYNTHIA: Not any longer, Gran. Not any longer. Not since Uncle Homer....

EDWINA: (VERY LOUDLY) Aha!!! The mysterious Uncle Homer! (TURNING TO GRAN) The man they threw you out for. (DRAMATIC PAUSE) The man who caused all the trouble.

GRANN: (TIMIDLY) Well, actually, Edwina, I.....

EDWINA: (HOLDING UP HER HAND) Say no more, May, say no more. I know what you have suffered. I have seen the tears you cried. I have been your companion in times of trouble.

CYNTHIA: (SYMPATHETICALLY) Poor Gran.

EDWINA: Indeed, child, you can say poor Gran - er grandmother.

(DRAMATICALLY) This woman has suffered!

CYNTHIA: (SHE CAN'T STAND ANY MORE OF THIS) I'll get Mum. (SHE LEAVES)

GRAN: Edwina, please don't be too angry with.....

EDWINA: May! Pull yourself together! Have you not been hurt?

GRAN: Well........

EDWINA: Well?

GRAN: (BEATEN) Yes, Edwina.

EDWINA: That's better. Have you not suffered?

GRAN: Yes. Yes, I have.

EDWINA: Were you not thrown out of this very house by your own family?

GRAN: (ANGRY NOW) Yes, I was. By my own daughter-in-law. I didn't even have time to pack a toothbrush.

EDWINA: (SATISFIED) You see, May. Just like I said.

GRAN: Yeah. And they're all after my money, too.

EDWINA: (SHOCKED) It's a disgrace, May. Shocking!

GRAN: The only one here's any good is my granddaughter. What's her name, now?

EDWINA: I don't remember. Sharon? Tracy? Paula? (DISGUSTED) Priscilla?

GRAN: No, none of them.

EDWINA: Well, I say it's a sin how they've treated you......

GRAN: (EXCITED) That's it! Cyn! That's her name. Cynthia. (PAUSE.

GRAN SHAKES HER HEAD SADLY) How could I forget Cynthia?

(ENTER CECILY, LOOKING VERY ANNOYED)

CECILY: Mother-in-law, really, what's all this about? (TURNING TO EDWINA) And who are you?

EDWINA: You may well ask who I am.

CECILY: I just did.

EDWINA: I am May's friend. I would go as far as to say ..... her guardian, her protector, her ever-open ear in times of trouble, her...

CECILY: (COLDLY) Thank you. I understand perfectly. (TO GRAN) Mother-in-law, why are you here?

GRAN: I got me rights, you know.

CECILY: Eh?

EDWINA: (TURNING HER EYES HEAVENWARDS) Like mother, like daughter!

GRAN: I got me rights, I say. I got a right to a room ........

CECILY: You've got a nice one at the Haven of Rest.

GRAN: I got a right to regular meals.

CECILY: You get three a day at the Haven of Rest, plus tea and coffee ...... AND BISCUITS! .......as often as you want.

GRAN: I got a right to........er..... (SHE LOOKS AT EDWINA)

EDWINA: (TRIUMPHANTLY) ......Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.

GRAN: (HUMBLY) Thank you, dear. I knew I'd forgotten something.

(CECILY GOES TO HER HANDBAG AND TAKES OUT A TWENTY POUND NOTE: SHE HANDS IT TO GRAN)

GRAN: What's this, dear?

CECILY: (PATIENTLY) It's a twenty-pound note.

GRAN: For me?

CECILY: No. For the taxi driver who's taking you back to the Haven of Rest.

(GRAN IS COMPLETELY CRUSHED. EDWINA STANDS THERE WITH AN OPEN MOUTH.

FOR ONCE, SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.)

CECILY: Ah, I hear the taxi now. And when you go, Gran, take your guardian, your protector, your ever-open ear in times of trouble with you.

GRAN: Eh?

CECILY: TAKE-THIS-DREADFUL-WOMAN-WITH-YOU-OR-I-SHALL-CALL-THE-POLICE-AND-HAVE- HER-ARRESTED!!!!!!

EDWINA: Come along, May. We know where we're not wanted!

GRAN: But Edwina, I live here.

CECILY: NOT-TILL-UNCLE-HOMER-HAS-LEFT-YOU-DON'T.

EDWINA: May!! (GRAN FOLLOWS HER OUT)

(PAUSE. CECILY SMILES A LITTLE, SATISFIED SMILE. ENTER UNCLE HOMER)

HOMER: (GREASILY) Why, Cess, is that you?

CECILY: Of course it is, Uncle Homer.

HOMER: May I say... you look just beautiful today, Cess?

CECILY: (SURPRISED AND A LITTLE FLATTERED) I do?

HOMER: (SINCERELY) You do. You are like a single flower in a winter garden. (HE GOES A FEW STEPS NEARER. CECILY FREEZES)

CECILY: But, Uncle Homer........

HOMER: You are like a cool drink on a hot day! (HE GOES A FEW STEPS NEARER.)

CECILY: Uncle Homer, I don't know what to say!

HOMER: (GOING UP VERY CLOSE. CECILY TRIES TO ESCAPE, BUT HE CATCHES HOLD OF BOTH HER HANDS) Then don't speak, my dear. Though your voice is like a fragrant breeze in spring.........

CECILY: (BENDING OVER BACKWARDS) Uncle Homer, please, you must stop this! Albert could come in at any moment.......

HOMER: (THROWING HER ONTO THE COUCH AND HIMSELF ON TOP OF HER).......No, Cess. He's gone out for the evening. (ROMANTICALLY) We are all alone, Cess, just you and me........

(FROM OUTSIDE BERT'S VOICE IS HEARD:)

BERT: Emmeline, you must find Uncle Homer. There's a great comedy show on TV. Mr Bean. You Americans love that sort of stuff. I'll just go and switch on.

(DURING THESE WORDS UNCLE HOMER JUMPS UP, PULLS CECILY TO HER FEET AND CLIMBS OVER THE BACK OF THE SOFA WITH HER. ENTER BERT. HE SWITCHES THE TV ON AND THEN GOES OVER TO THE SOFA AND SITS DOWN.)

BERT: Where's that zapper gone?

(WHILE HE LOOKS TO THE RIGHT, A HAND COMES OUT FROM BEHIND THE SOFA ON THE LEFT AND LAYS THE ZAPPER ON THE ARM OF THE SOFA)

BERT: (FINDING THE ZAPPER) Funny, I didn't see it there a moment ago. Ah, well. (ZAPS AROUND, THEN SHOUTS) Uncle Homer, Emmeline, Mr Bean's on in a moment. (HE WATCHES THE PROGRAMME, LAUGHS ETC. CECILY CRAWLS OUT FROM BEHIND THE SOFA AND MAKES HER WAY TO THE DOOR. WHEN SHE IS HALFWAY THERE, ALBERT SEES HER:) Cess?

(CECILY FREEZES IN MID-CRAWL)

CECILY: Yes, Albert?

BERT: What are you doing crawling across the floor?

CECILY: (WITH SUITABLE ACTIONS) Er....I'm looking for my contact lenses, Albert, dear. I........dropped them round here somewhere......Oh! (BRIGHTLY) Here they are! (SHE PRETENDS TO FIND HER CONTACT LENSES; GETS UP AND RUSHES OUT)

BERT: (AMUSED, SHAKES HIS HEAD) Women! (HE WATCHES THE TV AS BEFORE;

SUDDENLY, PUZZLED:) I didn't know Cess wore contact lenses. (WATCHES TV AGAIN) Women! (HIS HAND, WHICH WAS LYING ACROSS THE BACK OF THE SOFA, SLIPS DOWN BEHIND IT. BERT HAS A LOOK OF SHOCK ON HIS FACE) There's a dog behind this sofa. (FROZEN, TERRIFIED) I didn't know we had a dog, either. (HE MAKES A SOUND OF DISGUST AND TERROR AS HIS HAND COMES UP FROM BEHIND THE SOFA HOLDING UNCLE HOMER'S WIG. AFTER A MOMENT HE LOOKS AT IT. THEN:) Uncle Homer! Uncle Homer? Speak to me, Uncle Homer!

(UNCLE HOMER STANDS UP. BERT LETS OUT A TERRIFIED CRY)

BERT: Uncle Homer!

HOMER: You called me, my boy?

BERT: (SUSPICIOUSLY) Uncle Homer, what were you doing behind the sofa?

HOMER: I was looking for my hair, Bert. (TAKING THE WIG OUT OF BERT'S HAND) Thank you, my boy. A man can feel real naked without his hair. (HE PUTS HIS WIG ON AND WALKS OUT)

(PAUSE)

BERT: (THOUGHTFULLY) Contact lenses she doesn't wear! Hair that comes off in my hand. There's something funny going on here. (SUDDENLY REALIZING) My wife and my uncle were behind the sofa............ together! I don't believe it!!! My wife! My Cess! (ENTER EMMELINE. SHE LOOKS VERY SEDUCTIVE)

EMMELINE: Why, hi, Bert. (SHE LOOKS AT HIM CLOSELY) You look upset, sweetie. What's going on?

BERT: I don't know, Emmeline. When I came in here, Homer and Cess were behind the sofa ........ together. What do you think they were doing there?

EMMELINE: What did they say they were doing there?

BERT: Cess said she was looking for her contact lenses.

EMMELINE: Well?

BERT: (MISERABLY) She doesn't wear contact lenses.

EMMELINE: Aha! And Homer?

BERT: I don't know. He was just sitting there. (LAUGHING SUDDENLY) I pulled his wig off!

EMMELINE: (LAUGHING TOO) Bet that embarrassed him!

BERT: Yeah. (SERIOUS AGAIN) What was he doing behind the sofa with my wife?

EMMELINE: Tell you what, Bert, honey, let's go in the kitchen, have a nice cup of tea and talk this thing over! (THEY LEAVE THE ROOM. LIGHTS DOWN: AFTER A MOMENT, LIGHTS UP; ENTER UNCLE HOMER.)

Scene 1O

HOMER: Well, that romantic little episode should mean Cess ain't a problem any more. Oh, who have we got here?

(ENTER JOAN, ACCOMPANIED BY TRACY. TRACY IS VERY YOUNG AND DRESSED AS SEXILY AS POSSIBLE. WE SHALL SEE THIS CONFLICTS WITH HER CHARACTER:)

JOAN: Come along, now, Tracy. Stop looking so sulky. (SHE ARRANGES THIS AND THAT.) You won't get to Hollywood looking like a wet weekend, you know!

(UNCLE HOMER CLEARS HIS THROAT. JOAN NEARLY JUMPS OUT OF HER SKIN.

TRACY LOOKS LIKE A TERRIFIED RABBIT)

UNCLE HOMER: Hi, there.

JOAN: Oh, er, hi. (BRAVELY) Are you the American Uncle?

UNCLE HOMER: Sorry?

JOAN: Bert Winterbottom's American Uncle.

UNCLE HOMER: Oh, that American Uncle. Sure, that's me.

JOAN: (DISAPPROVINGLY) I thought you would be a lot older.

UNCLE HOMER: I do apologize, Mrs.......er?

JOAN: Mablethorpe. You can call me Joan.

UNCLE HOMER: Why, thanks, Joan. Call me Homer. (LOOKING AT TRACY) And who is this lovely young girl? Don't tell me she's your daughter!

JOAN: (FLATTERED) Well, yes, she is actually. (TO TRACY) Tracy, what did I tell you.....?

TRACY: (CURTSIES THEN RECITES) Good afternoon, Sir. My name is Tracy Mablethorpe. I'm fifteen years old and I love to dance and sing and go to the cinema. What I'd love to be more than anything else in the world is a film star. (SHE SMILES STUPIDLY)

JOAN: Tracy!

TRACY: What, Mum?

JOAN: Americans don't say 'film star'.

JOAN: Tracy!

TRACY: (FED UP) Oh, what now, Mum?

JOAN: They don't say cinema. They say 'movie theater'.

TRACY: (CURTSIES THE RECITES) Good afternoon, Sir. My name is.......

HOMER: (HAS HAD ENOUGH OF THIS) Tracy Mablethorpe. Yes, honey, that's a pretty name. (PAUSE) What can I do for you two ladies, then?

JOAN: Tracy!

TRACY: Yeah, Mum.

JOAN: Your song, Tracy!

TRACY: (PUTS ON A SILLY, GIRLISH SMILE AND BEGINS TO SING. HER VOICE IS TERRIBLE) (AFTER HALF THE SONG, POSSIBLY AT THE MOST EAR-SPLITTING MOMENT:)

HOMER: Why, thanks, Tracy. That was real purty. Real purty.

JOAN: Will you bear our Tracy in mind,....er.....Homer?

HOMER: (PUZZLED) Why, sure I will, Joan, honey.

JOAN: Tracy!

TRACY: (EVEN MORE FED UP) What now?

JOAN: You wanted to say something to Homer.

TRACY: Did I?

JOAN: (PROMPTING HER) Yeah. Thank you.......

TRACY: (LOUDLY AND AFFECTEDLY) Thank you so much for your kindness and attention, Mr Homer, and I sincerely hope that........

HOMER: So do I, Tracy, honey, so do I.

(ENTER CECILY. SHE IS HORRIFIED BY WHAT SHE SEES)

CECILY: What's going on here?

JOAN: Our Tracy was just singing a little song for ...er ...Homer here.

CECILY: (WITH HEAVY SARCASM) Oh, was she! Super!

TRACY: Yeah. (SHE BEGINS TO SING AGAIN. AFTER THE FIRST FEW NOTES CECILY PRESSES HER HANDS TO HER EARS.)

CECILY: That's enough! Get out, both of you!

JOAN: Well, I'm sure there's no need to.......

TRACY: Mummy! (SHE STARTS TO WAIL)

CECILY: Out! Out!! OUT!!!

(JOAN AND TRACY LEAVE VERY QUICKLY. PAUSE)

HOMER: That wasn't very Christian of you, Cess, honey.

CECILY: Don't you dare talk to me about being Christian!

(SHE RUSHES OUT. LIGHTS DOWN AND THEN UP FOR THE NEXT SCENE)

Scene 11

(ENTER 'NANETTE'. SHE PRETENDS TO DO A VERY LITTLE HOUSEWORK. THEN SHE SITS DOWN ON THE SOFA AND BEGINS TO READ ONE OF CECILY'S MAGAZINES. ENTER MRS CRIPPS, WHO WATCHES HER)

MRS CRIPPS: (WITHOUT WARNING) Booh!

('NANETTE' NEARLY JUMPS OUT OF HER SKIN)

SHARON: Hey, you old bag. What d'you think you're up to, eh? Trying to frighten me?

MRS CRIPPS: Oh, dreadfully sorry, Miss. (LOOKS AT HER CLOSELY) Who the hell are you, anyway? Never seen you round here before.

SHARON: I'm the new maid.

MRS CRIPPS: (NEARLY CHOKING) THE MAID? Did you say THE MAID? Whose bloody stupid idea was that, then?

SHARON: Mrs de Winterbothom's.

MRS CRIPPS: Mrs .....Who?

SHARON: The old bag that lives here, stupid!

MRS CRIPPS: 'ere, don't you call me stoopid. I'm old enough to be yer mum, I am.

SHARON: Old enough to be me grandmother, more like. Anyway, who the hell are you when you're at home?

MRS CRIPPS: I'm Mrs Betty Cripps. I'm Mrs Winterbottom's daily.

SHARON: Daily what? Daily headache?

MRS CRIPPS: Cheeky. I'm the one what does the housework 'ere.

SHARON: Not any more, you ain't. I do the housework now.

MRS CRIPPS: No yer bloody don't. Gerout of 'ere, yer little madam, before I calls Mrs Winterbottom.

SHARON: Do what yer bloody well like.

MRS CRIPPS: Oh, the language of it! (VERY LOUD) MRS WINTERBOTTOM! HEY, MRS WINTERBOTTOM!

(ENTER CECILY)

CECILY: Mrs Cripps, will you kindly keep your voice down. We have guests in the house.

MRS CRIPPS: This piece of fluff 'ere 'as just told me she's the daily now, not me.

CECILY: What is this all about, Nanette?

MRS CRIPPS: NANETTE?

SHARON: (French again) Oh, Madame, zees terrible woman, she shout at me and call me 'orrible names. I 'ave zee most awful 'eadache now!

CECILY: Did you shout at her, Mrs Cripps?

MRS CRIPPS: You bet I did. And what's she speaking so funny for?

CECILY: That is not funny, Mrs Cripps. That is French. Nanette is French.

MRS CRIPPS: If she's French, then I'm the bloody Prime Minister. You got a criminal in your 'ouse, Mrs Winterbottom.

(NANETTE BEGINS TO CRY.)

CECILY: That really is enough, Mrs Cripps. I didn't want to send you away like this, but I'm afraid you'll have to go.

MRS CRIPPS: What d'yer mean, go? I ain't done the 'ousework yet.

CECILY: In future Nanette will do the housework.

MRS CRIPPS: You firing me?

CECILY Yes, I am.

MTRS CRIPPS: (STUNNED, THEN VERY SAD) I been with you five years, Mrs Winterbottom.

CECILY: (IMPATIENTLY) I know that, Mrs Cripps.

MRS CRIPPS: All right then, I'm on me way.

CECILY: You forgot your handbag. Oh, and here's you money for this morning. (PAUSE) Even though you didn't do any work.

MRS CRIPPS: Thanks. Bye, then. (NO ONE SPEAKS. NANETTE SMILES NASTILY: MRS CRIPPS TURNS ROUND IN THE DOOR) Bye, then. (NO REACTION, SO SHE GOES OUT)

CECILY: Please go and help Frederick with the tea, Nanette.

NANETTE: Of course, Madame. (SHE LEAVES THE ROOM)

(HOMER LOOKS ROUND THE DOOR)

HOMER: That sure wasn't very Christian of you, Cecily.

(CECILY JUMPS, STARES AT HOMER AND RUSHES OUT OF THE ROOM. HOMER GRINS. LIGHTS DOWN AND THEN UP FOR:)

Scene 12

(CECILY IS ON STAGE: SHE LOOKS VERY WORRIED)

CECILY: Oh, heavens, I've made such a mess of everything. How on earth

can I get Uncle Homer to leave us all his money now? I threw Gran out,

had an argument with her friend, made a fool of myself with Uncle

Homer, made Bert think I was getting up to no good, was rude to Joan

and Tracy and fired Mrs Cripps. (WITH A WRY SMILE) Quite a record for

one day, eh? Contact lenses! Whatever made me say 'contact lenses'?

(ENTER ROSA, CYNTHIA AND PETER. THEY ARE ACTING VERY MYSTERIOUSLY.)

ROSA: Mum........

CECILY: Yes, dear.

ROSA: Mum, I thought I should take a look in Uncle Homer's room.

CECILY: You did what?

ROSA: Well, he's a capitalist, Mum, and a churchman at that......or so he says.

CECILY: What do you mean: or so he says? And why do you have to go snooping round in his room?

CYNTHIA: It wasn't just Rosa, Mum, it was me, too.

CECILY: Oh, great. I suppose Peter went along as well, did he?

PETE: I stood guard at the door, Mum. Didn't want to get caught, did we?

(PAUSE)

CECILY: Is there something you're trying to tell me?

CYNTHIA: You tell her, Pete.

PETE: Why me?

ROSA: You tell her, Cynthia!

CYNTHIA: Why me? It was your idea in the first place.

ROSA: OK. I'll tell her. Mum, Uncle Homer's got a suitcase full of money in his room.

CECILY: What do you mean......?

ROSA: I mean full, Mum. $1OOO notes - hundreds of them.

CYNTHIA: There must be more than a million there.

PETE: Bloody hell!

CECILY: Peter, don't use language like that, please.

(PAUSE)

CYNTHIA: What are we going to do about it?

CECILY: About what?

CYNTHIA: The money. All that money.

CECILY: What do you mean, what are we going to do about it? Nothing is what we're going to do about it. Nothing at all.

ROSA: But, Mum. It's a fortune!

CECILY: Yes, and if we all behave right that's what Uncle Homer is going to give us before he leaves here.

CYNTHIA: (CAREFULLY) Mum, have you noticed Uncle Homer hasn't opened his wallet since he got here?

CECILY: He's a guest, Cynthia, guests don't have to pay for anything.

PETE: He didn't bring any of us a present.

CECILY: He didn't know us, Peter. You can't buy presents for people you don't know.

ROSA: He could have bought you some flowers.

(PAUSE)

ROSA: I think it's stolen money.

CECILY: Oh, for goodness' sake, Rosa. You and your communist conscience. I've had enough of it. If Uncle Homer chooses to keep a million dollars in his suitcase, that's his business, not yours. And please don't forget, one day it could be our money. Now, I want to hear no more about it.

(SHE STORMS OUT)

CYNTHIA: I told you she wouldn't listen.

ROSA: The man's a criminal.

PETE: How do you know, Rosie?

ROSA: I just know. Don't ask me how. Not even crazy American priests carry that much money around in their suitcases.

PETE: Well, I don't care. I like Uncle Homer.

CYNTHIA: Yes, I do, too. I don't really care if he is a criminal.

ROSA: Cynthia, what are you saying? He's probably robbed a bank - perhaps he even shot a few people - and YOU DON'T CARE!

CYNTHIA: (FED UP) Rosa, my pet, there really are times when you get right up my nose. (TO PETE) Come on, Peterkin. Let's see if there's any ice-cream left in the kitchen. (THEY LEAVE. ROSA THINKS FOR A MOMENT, THEN:)

ROSA: That's it. I'll go to the police. I'll go right now.

(SHE LEAVES. THE LIGHTS GO DOWN AND COME UP AGAIN FOR:)

SCENE 13

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